*** Note this was written in March 2019 for a Life University course called Art of Self-Care. I figured I may as well share this on a public platform because what good are the writing/thoughts if I just keep them to myself?
Introduction
Every individual goes through adversity or painful experiences in life. It can be trauma from childhood, health issues, a loss of a loved one, job frustration, or an overall lack of meaning and fulfillment. People react in various ways to this so-called suffering. Some people become a victim to their circumstances, drown in their misery, and never bounce back to live a purposeful life (Mock & Arai, 2011). However, others choose to become a victor of their circumstances and cultivate resilience in not letting the suffering negatively define them in the long-run (Beutel et al., 2017). So what separates the victor from the victim? This paper will dig deep into the Victor Mentality that enables an individual to not just overcome inevitable suffering, but to use this suffering to one’s advantage. That mentality includes creating one’s own suffering intentionally and using it as a hidden weapon to achieve fulfillment and greatness in life (Ridder & Gillebaart, 2016). This paper will explain how to stay committed to mastering the art of suffering and not let suffering be the ruler.
The first step in mastering one’s suffering is to specifically define what it is. The familiar form of suffering are adverse circumstances that happen to somebody and are generally out of one’s control. The highest levels of suffering include tragic loss of loved ones, serious health problems, and a lack of freedom. Though most individuals will experience one of those events at some point in life, the general day to day suffering typically occurs at lower levels. This lower level includes being stuck in traffic on the way to work, getting into an argument with a family member, or having a cold. So no matter what present situation a person is in, suffering can be found daily in life.
An interesting note is that a person who thinks as a victim at the lower levels of suffering will adopt that same victim mentality at the higher levels of suffering. Because as the degree of suffering increases, it is improbable that a person will change thinking without monumental self-reflection and re-conditioning. This idea is also correlated to the fact that if someone adopts a Victor Mentality at the highest levels of suffering, then that will stay with the person at the lower levels. Therefore, the tools to navigate monumental suffering are the same tools to navigate less serious suffering. Due to that fact, this paper will more-so focus on overcoming more severe levels of suffering because understanding how to do that will support individuals in overcoming all levels of suffering. Understanding and living out the following ideas will lead to the development of the Victor Mentality and a mastery of the art of suffering.
The Inevitability of Suffering
A person must understand that suffering is a part of life, and have the perspective that it is something to be worked through. Suffering is unavoidable; it is impossible to go through a life stress-free with no pressure. Even if the suffering is of great magnitude – perhaps involving a setting such as a Nazi concentration camp during The Holocaust – viewing it as simply work to push through is a valuable mindset strategy. Viktor Frankl explained this idea in his book Man’s Search for Meaning where he writes about the “hidden opportunities for achievement” in suffering and how viewing suffering as work is a valuable strategy (Frankl, 2006). By viewing suffering as a task to be completed, Frankl was using his Victor Mentality.
Recognizing that suffering is required for happiness and the good times in life also leads to a more positive perspective on it. Buddhist monk Thich Naht Hanh expands on this idea in an interview with Oprah Winfrey in which he notes that happiness and suffering “support each other” and exist only because of the other (PBC, 2013, 17:22 mark). In another interview at Stanford, Naht Hanh explains that suffering leads to understanding and compassion, which are a part of happiness (University, 2013, 16:04 mark). By acknowledging that suffering is required for happiness, a positive perspective on it is born. Suffering makes a person appreciate moments of non-suffering more. When a person understands this, the victim mentality and feeling sorry for one’s self often evaporates.
By understanding that suffering is a part of life, a person is mentally better equipped to deal with the inevitable suffering that follows. Because a major aspect in letting suffering own an individual is to feel bad about the suffering itself. This ties closely with a quote from Edith Weisskopf-Joelson that is stated in Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning: “Our current mental-hygiene philosophy stresses the idea that people ought to be happy, that unhappiness is a symptom of maladjustment. Such a value system might be responsible for the fact that the burden of unavoidable unhappiness is increased by unhappiness about being unhappy. [We] are not only unhappy, but also ashamed of being unhappy” (Frankl, 2006). So, the first step in developing a Victor Mentality over suffering is not developing a negative attitude about the suffering in the first place. Suffering exists, and this is okay. View it as something to be overcome.
Accept the Uncontrollables
Even if somebody has the understanding that suffering is inevitable, there may still be barriers to fully accept the suffering. Many people maintain resistance to the uncontrollable aspects of life and this contributes to becoming a victim of circumstances. Self-reflection is a valuable tool in this case. Looking back at one’s life reveals that many aspects of life are out of a person’s hands. Author Robert Greene touches on this fact in an interview in which he notes that “maybe 95-96% of what happens in life you have no control over” (mec501, 2015, 2:53 mark). Human beings are conditioned to live in an uncontrollable world. So, people should aim to be comfortable with and accept uncontrollable suffering.
Let suffering be. Do not fight back against it with the aim to remove it completely because that will only lead to a person becoming attached to the suffering. As Buddha wisely proclaimed, a person can only lose what is clung to (Brown, 2018). Being in a tussle with suffering will only leave one defeated. Having a Victor Mentality is about not going to war with suffering in the first place, and to realize the lack of control in its appearance. It is about maintaining faith of overcoming it and psychologically not letting suffering break an individual. Motivational speaker Inky Johnson once brilliantly stated the metaphor that one can’t speed up or slow down a river, so an individual must have faith in the river’s flow (Dalton, 2017, 7:50). By letting the uncontrollable aspects of life flow freely, an individual can focus on the controllable aspects of life. Therefore, accept suffering and master what matters – the controllable aspects of life.
Master the Controllables
Do not be fooled. Accepting suffering does not mean accepting everything. Accepting suffering is about recognizing its inevitability and the fact that many circumstances are out of one’s control. The victim mentality includes taking this acceptance too far and accepting even controllable aspects of life. A person must recognize the inner power each has to own their attitude and perspective. Viktor Frankl articulated this idea eloquently in his book Man’s Search for Meaning: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way” (Frankl, 2006). A person’s attitude can never be taken away, and mastering that should be where all the energy is directed to during suffering.
So how does one go about managing attitude? First, one can practice mindfulness and living present. As Buddha once stated, life is lost when a person is not present in the moments of reality (Buddha Quote, n.d.). A key characteristic of a victim mentality during suffering is dwelling on what was or negatively anticipating what is about to be. Instead, a person should aim to live presently and not be overwhelmed by anything that is not the current reality. Part of mindfulness is meditation and breathing exercises as well. Learning how to manage one’s breath leads to emotional and attitude control. Former monk Jay Shetty emphasized this idea in an interview with Lewis Howes, in which he notes that the first idea he learned in monk school was how to breathe properly because emotions can be better managed through breath control (Howes, 2018, 32:31 mark). By learning mindfulness and managing one’s breath, a person will be set positively on the journey to mastering the controllable aspects of life.
Another tool to master one’s attitude is to forgive. Whether a person is experiencing anger from a relationship breakup or a car going slow on the highway, forgiveness restricts the adverse situation from heightening suffering. Protecting one’s inner peace enables one to become victorious over potential suffering. A key Buddhist teaching explains anger in the metaphor of holding a hot piece of coal with the intent of throwing it at someone; the person holding it gets burned (Brown, 2018). A person cannot be overly focused on who or what caused the suffering; holding onto resentment does not empower one’s attitude to overcome the suffering. It only fuels negative energies inside of a person, and those must be avoided to become victorious over the suffering.
Instead, feed the soul positive energies. Do not let suffering own the mind. Even if the suffering is severe, joy and laughter should remain present. Viktor Frankl survived through Nazi concentration camps and still recognized the hidden opportunities for joy in certain moments. In Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl writes that a trick he utilized during his adversity was to keep his sense of humor and remain light-hearted (Frankl, 2006). The laughter and joy supported Frankl in psychologically overcoming the suffering and not allowing it to break him. He understood that his attitude was solely controlled by him, and he had to control it well in order to overcome his adversity.
Note that the Victor Mentality during one’s adversity is about psychologically mastering one’s attitude; it is not about anything physical. That distinction is important because every person has the freedom to think. Therefore, every individual can adopt a Victor Mentality no matter what the suffering is. Even if a person has a terminal illness and a physical death is approaching, the suffering can still be overcome. Stuart Scott, a former ESPN anchor who died from cancer in 2015, spoke about this idea in a speech. He told an audience of onlookers that dieing does not mean someone loses to cancer; a person defeats cancer “by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live” (ESPN, 2017, 3:01 mark). Scott recognized that defeating his suffering was all up in his head. Even if cancer would take his life, Scott resisted the idea of suffering owning him; his Victor Mentality was still strong. The message that overcoming adverse suffering is psychological in nature empowers people in persevering through the suffering.
Authentic Commitment to the Journey
Even through suffering, people should aim to stay true to who they are. The temptation to become unauthentic, negative, or unnecessarily change direction is there, but the Victor Mentality is about resisting that temptation. A metaphor to this idea is explained beautifully by author Gary Zukav in an interview with Oprah Winfrey (OWN, 2017). The metaphor is that every person is sailing on a small ship following a mothership. Even though life on the small ship is unpredictable, the small ship must stay on the path to follow the mothership because that is the direction the ship is destined to go. Zukav explains that “as you sail in the direction that your mothership wants to sail, your life fills with meaning and purpose and love”. The message is that the greatest weapon in overcoming suffering is simply staying true to one’s self and journey. That will enable someone to become victorious over the suffering in the long run.
Staying committed to one’s true journey during suffering is a difficult task. Therefore, it is important to continuously self-reflect and come back to core values and the why for carrying on. Because connecting with and strengthening someone’s why will aid someone in embodying a Victor Mentality when going through suffering. This is correlated closely with Friedrich Nietzsche’s statement that “he who has a why to live for can bear almost any how” (Parrish, 2014). Having reasons for desiring to overcome one’s suffering will increase the chances the suffering will be overcome. Having a powerful why strengthens the commitment to sail on one’s true journey and reduces the likelihood of suffering delivering a knockout punch. It is important to remember the wise quote from the Chinese general Sun Tzu that “if you know the enemy and you know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles” (“A quote from …”, n.d.). When an individual maintains an authentic commitment to the journey onwards, that is a warning signal to the suffering to retreat.
Strength in Suffering
The Victor Mentality does not entail just getting through suffering, but actually using the suffering to one’s advantage. It is important to view current suffering as a test of one’s character. In order to pass the test, one’s character must be strengthened through the ordeal and not weakened. Suffering should set the stage for one’s character building if viewed correctly. One man who used his suffering to propel his achievements is retired Navy Seal David Goggins. In an interview with Tom Bilyeu, he explains his mindset upon encountering suffering during Navy Seals training. He reversed the suffering thrown on top of him during Hell Week and used it instead as power pillars for strength to get through the training (Bilyeu, 2017, 30:28 mark). Goggin’s mindset shift of viewing the suffering as a way to build up his mental fortitude led to his development of the Victor Mentality necessary to rule over the suffering.
Suffering can also be used for strength after the suffering is over. The lessons learned from adversity and suffering are valuable tools that an individual can use throughout life. A person may reflect on past suffering to increase gratitude in the present moment. Or a person can use the toughness and resiliency cultivated through past suffering to get them through a current roadblock in life. Retired football player Ray Lewis once talked about this idea, noting that he never forgets his past adversity because he uses his past pain to strengthen him “every time he walks [he] walks in a weight room” (Bandini, 2012). The Victor Mentality is about not just getting through suffering, but actually using it as positive fuel when needed.
The Personal Responsibility to Overcome Suffering
Developing a Victor Mentality in overcoming suffering is not just about the individual. If someone views overcoming suffering as just about him or her, a key element is missing. Being inspired to overcome suffering for a purpose greater than one’s self is often necessary to maximize a person’s perseverance. People must understand their personal responsibility to overcome the suffering in order to benefit the world, provide a positive example to others, and to honor the gift given to them called life. This ties closely with Muhammad Ali’s famous statement that “service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on Earth” (“Service to others …”, 2012). Removing personal ego from the equation and instead desiring to overcome suffering for a greater purpose, aids in being victorious over the suffering.
It is a person’s duty to overcome suffering, as a sort of thank you to the life granted to them at birth. Viktor Frankl discusses this honorable mentality needed to overcome suffering in Man’s Search for Meaning: “What was really needed was a fundamental change in our attitude toward life. We had to learn ourselves and, furthermore, we had to teach the despairing men, that it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us … Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual” (Frankl, 2006). Life owes the individual nothing; instead, the individual owes life to make it meaningful. That desire can power an individual to overcome suffering.
Avoid the Suffering of Regret
The suffering that happens to somebody is unavoidable. However, there is another suffering version that people have control over: The suffering of regret and having lived an unfulfilled life. Nobody wants to look back on their life when they are 90 years old and think that more impactful achievements and more meaningful interactions could have been created. Author Robert Greene articulates this end of life regret well in an interview with Tom Bilyeu in which he explains that the ultimate failure is having regrets later in life, having recognized that potential was not actualized (mec501, 2015, 56:34 mark). To avoid the suffering down the road of an unfulfilled life, an individual has to be proactive in the present moment.
A person has to step up and recognize that although accepting certain inevitable suffering is an important part to the Victor Mentality, another critical part is deciphering the different suffering forms. One form you accept; one form you avoid; and one form you proactively create. Choosing to suffer in the form of discipline and effort towards goal achievement will weaken the suffering form of regret. Entrepreneur Jim Rohn defines the contrast of these two suffering forms in his famous quote that people “must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret” (Campbell, 2018). The suffering of regret lasts a lifetime and cannot be reversed at a certain point due to the finite time clock called life. Therefore, it must be avoided at all costs and the only way to do that is to go all in on choosing to discipline one’s self to learn more, be a better person, and to live an impactful meaningful life.
Choose the Suffering of Discipline
The suffering of hard work and challenging one’s self to reach positive goals is clearly distinct from the suffering of adverse circumstances. This suffering is self-imposed, and pro-actively seeking it is a major component of the Victor Mentality in mastering the art of suffering. It allows one to be better equipped to handle uncontrollable suffering in the future, and reduces the suffering called regret also. Not only does it reduce negative suffering, but it leads to a meaningful and rich life because everything worth striving for – an impactful career, healthy relationships with loved ones, having strong character, and being the best person one can be – is found through practicing consistent self-discipline and challenging one’s self. The legendary Muhammad Ali recognized this fact, once stating that he “hated every minute of training” but chose to suffer in order to live his life as a champion (“11 Memorable Quotes … “, 2018). Ali embodied the Victor Mentality by seeking suffering to harden his resolve, make him indestructible to what life threw at him, and make him the greatest.
Every person can find greatness like Ali, and master the art of suffering. The steps are easier said than completed, but that is life. People must not only accept inevitable suffering and reign over the suffering with attitude control, but people also have to perfect the suffering of discipline. When there is hesitation to self-discipline, think of the following statement from the late poet William Butler Yeats: “Do not wait to strike ‘till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking” (Lee, 2013). Life is a high-stakes game and pressure is inevitable. People must be courageous and do what is required for dreams and goals to become a reality. Although overcoming adverse suffering is psychological and done in the head, the suffering of discipline and achieving long-lasting fulfillment comes through committed action. The Victor Mentality occurs when thoughts and deeds flow together. When that happens, mastering the art of suffering is inevitable. See for yourself.
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